Final Draft: Japan

My friends call me a Japan-freak; knowing about Japan more than knowing my own country. Some of them tell me that I’m too obsessed with Japan as all the time they see me lingering with Japanese stuffs like drama, songs, and even learning the Japanese language. Telling the truth, I am actually learning the language and not this language only as I am planning to learn other languages in the future. When talking about Japan, most people would probably think of technology especially mobiles especially cars. However, I am not really interested in their technologies. In this essay, I will be talking about manga and anime, Japanese educational system, the people themselves, and the social problems increasing in their society.

Japan gives great influences to the countries all over the world with manga (comics) and anime. The influence is so great that the terminology “anime” is included in the English dictionary. Common people who do not know much about manga and anime would perceive them as merely forms of entertainment. However, the basis of manga and anime does not based on this purpose only. For Japanese, these two sources serve as mediums to inform the public about stories that are depicted from daily life, history that revolves around the shogunate era and so on. Some of the anime even consist of adult/mature contents that can only be watched by viewers above 18 years old. The elements of virtue, creativity and imagination, and knowledge are wrapped up inside anime where it plays important role in educating the community. Such influence can be seen in other countries can be seen where there are cosplays (costume playing) all over the world including our country Malaysia. Some of the fans or so-called die-hard-fans become obsessed with manga and anime that they are given the title otaku. Cartoonists from other countries are also influenced by the strokes and plots that are similar to manga/anime.

I am pretty much attracted to the educational system there when I heard it from my Japanese lecturers. I did some readings on books and from Wikipedia where I found there are some similarities in Japanese school system compared to us. One of them is yochien, (kindergarten or nursery) as the earliest education that each child should receive at the earliest age of 5 years old. The teachers assigned are mostly college graduates. Unlike our country, children are enrolled in shogakko or elementary schools at the age of six which is one year earlier than us. Just like United States School system, there is only one teacher that will teach all subjects. The next level of education is chuugakko or middle school. The students enroll at this school at are mostly of the age of 12 or 13. Just like us, the entrance of the school is determined by examinations. The selection of schools is important as schools play an important role in determining which Universities that they will attend later on. Surprisingly, education is only compulsory to them until the age of 15 as at the age of 16, they are free to choose whether to end their education or proceed to kotogakko/koko (high schools). At this age too, they are given the permission to work. Again, there is an examination before the students are able to enter their target schools. Compared to our examination system, the students there need to take entrance examination that are set by the schools themselves. During the final year, which is when they are 18 years old, they again need to decide whether to end their studies and work or proceed to University. If they want to enter any Universities, they need to take an examination from respective Universities.

Japanese are the people who go for perfectionism in everything they do. I remember in one line in the Last Samurai movie, “from the moment they wake, they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they do”, I find that this statement is true. In everything that they do in their daily life is done in certain procedures or steps with serious considering. If they do not do so, they might be considered as rude or has broken the balance of their life. Each child is brought up with strict disciplines. It can be seen vividly in their own language system. Just like our language, they have formal and informal language. Their language is much influenced by Chinese language and almost most of them are derived from Chinese characters. Most of the pronunciations are similar to the Chinese language. What surprises me when I first learn Japanese language is their writing system. Unlike Malay language and English language, Japanese language consists of characters just like Chinese language. They even have three different writings which are katakana, hiragana, and kanji. I thought that I can just write the character freely on my own. However, when I attended Japanese class I learned that the strokes of each character needs to be written based on fixed steps and with a correct measurement. Writing in the correct order is very important. Japanese take this matter seriously. I remember when I was scolded by my Japanese lecturer for writing them sloppily.

Apart from their language, the perfectionism can be seen in their own education system. If the examination involves memorization of lines especially in Japanese language subject or literature, the students need to memorize them one by one without leaving one word. Leaving one word of the line is intolerable. Such small mistakes can affect their examination marks. Besides their education system, bowing (jigi) and greetings (aisatsu) are very vital in their daily life. If they do not do these in their daily life, they would be considered extremely rude. Saying the phrase itadakimasu before eating and gochisousama after a meal is compulsory as a form to show gratefulness to the person who prepares the food. When eating, they are not allowed to leave any chunks of food left and they do not pour soya sauce on the rice or dishes just like Malay custom. Instead, they will pour it on a plate and dip the dishes on the soya sauce.

However beyond the perfectionism of this country, there are also climbing rates of social problems. The main social problems in Japan are suicide, hikikomori (pulling away), ijime (bullying), makeinu (literally meaning failure but here it means women who refuse to get married), juvenile crimes, parasites (unemployed adults staying with their parents), furita (unemployed people) and lots more (Taylor, M., 2006). According to WHO, Japan is included as one of the countries who have high rate number of suicides. According to TIMES, June 19, 2008, suicide cases in Japan are escalating. The range of age is between 15 to 34 and mainly because of stress and depression. Well, seeing how high expectations certain parents on their children with tough disciplines and workaholics, I do not feel surprise that this social problem is at a rise. The adolescents too are lacking of virtue and respects towards the elder. However, this phenomenon does not only happen in Japan only but also in Malaysia. I still remember my Japanese teacher said that Malaysians are courteous people back on 1995 but the quality is degrading.

So far, these are all the things that I know about Japan. I still admire their endless spirit in getting the best in everything they do and their persistence in preserving their culture and customs as much as I respect my own culture. I am enjoying learning their language at the same time learning about the country itself.

2nd draft: Japan

SORRY FOR THE LATE POST AGAIN!!!! I HAD INTERNET CONNECTION PROBLEMS AT HOME FOR ABOUT A WEEK!!!

My friends call me a Japan-freak; knowing about Japan more than knowing my own country. Some of them tell me that I’m too obsessed with Japan as all the time they see me lingering with Japanese stuffs like drama, songs, and even learning the Japanese language. Telling the truth, I am actually learning the language and not this language only as I am planning to learn other languages in the future. When talking about Japan, most people would probably think of technology especially mobiles especially cars. However, I am not really interested in their technologies. In this essay, I will be talking about manga and anime, Japanese educational system, the people themselves, and the social problems increasing in their society.

Japan gives a great influence to the countries all over the world with manga (comics) and anime. The influence is so great that the terminology “anime” is included in the English dictionary. Common people who do not know much about manga and anime would perceive them as merely forms of entertainment. However, the basis of manga and anime does not based on this purpose only. For Japanese, these two sources serve as mediums to inform the public about stories that are depicted from daily life, history that revolves around the shogunate era and so on. Some of the anime even consist of adult/mature contents that can only be watched by viewers above 18 years old. The elements of virtue, creativity and imagination, and knowledge are wrapped up inside anime where it plays important role in educating the community. The influence on other countries can be seen that there are even cosplays (costume playing) all over the world including our country Malaysia. Some of the fans or so-called die-hard-fans become obsessed with manga and anime that they are given the title otaku. Cartoonists from other countries are also influenced by the strokes and plots that are similar to manga/anime.

I am pretty much attracted to the educational system there when I heard it from my Japanese lecturers. I did some readings on books and from Wikipedia where I found there are some similarities in Japanese school system compared to us. One of them is yochien, (kindergarten or nursery) as the earliest education that each child should receive at the earliest age of 5 years old. The teachers assigned are mostly college graduates. Unlike our country, children are enrolled in shogakko or elementary schools at the age of six which is one year earlier than us. Just like United States School system, there is only one teacher that will teach all subjects. The next level of education is chuugakko or middle school. The students enroll at this school at are mostly of the age of 12 or 13. Just like us, the entrance of the school is determined by examinations. The choosing of schools is important as schools play an important role in determining which Universities that they will attend later on. Up until this level the education is compulsory to them but at the age of 16, they are free to choose whether to end their education or proceed to kotogakko/koko (high schools). At this age too, they are given the permission to work. Again, there is an examination before the students are able to enter their target schools. Compared to our examination system, the students there need to take entrance examination that are set by the schools themselves. During the final year, which is when they are 18 years old, they again need to decide whether to end their studies and work or proceed to University. If they want to enter any Universities, they need to take an examination from respective Universities.

Japanese people are the people who go for perfectionism in everything they do. I remember in one line in the Last Samurai movie, “from the moment they wake, they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they do”, I find that this statement is true. In everything that they do in their daily life is done in certain procedures or steps with serious considering. If they do not do so, they might be considered as rude or has broken the balance of their life. Each child is brought up with strict disciplines. It can be seen vividly in their own language system. Just like our language, they have formal and informal language. Their language is much influenced by Chinese language and almost most of them are derived from Chinese characters. Most of the pronunciations are similar to the Chinese language. What surprises me when I first learn Japanese language is their writing system. Unlike Malay language and English language, Japanese language consists of characters just like Chinese language. They even have three different writings which are katakana, hiragana, and kanji. I thought that I can just write the character freely on my own. However, when I attended Japanese class I learned that the strokes of each character needs to be written based on the fixed steps and with the correct measurement. Writing in the correct order is very important. Japanese take this matter seriously. I remember when I was scolded by my Japanese lecturer for writing them sloppily.

Apart from their language, the perfectionism can be seen in their own education system. If the examination involves memorization of lines especially in Japanese language subject or literature, the students need to memorize them one by one without leaving one word. Leaving one word of the line is intolerable. With just one mistake can affect their examination marks. Besides their education system, bowing (jigi) and greetings (aisatsu) are very vital in their daily life. If they do not do these in their daily life, they would be considered extremely rude. Saying the phrase itadakimasu before eating and gochisousama after a meal is compulsory as a form to show gratefulness to the person who prepares the food. When eating, they are not allowed to leave any chunks of food left and they do not pour soya sauce on the rice or dishes just like Malay custom. Instead, they will pour it on a plate and dipped the dishes on the food.

However beyond the perfectionism of this country, there are also climbing rates of social problems. The main social problems in Japan are suicide, hikikomori (pulling away), ijime (bullying), makeinu (literally meaning failure but here it means women who refuse to get married), juvenile crimes, parasites (unemployed adults staying with their parents), furita (unemployed people) and lots more (Taylor, M., 2006). According to WHO, Japan is included as one of the countries who have high rate number of suicides. According to TIMES, June 19, 2008, suicide cases in Japan are escalating. The range of age is between 15 to 34 and mainly because of stress and depression. Well, seeing how high expectations certain parents on their children with tough disciplines and workaholics, I do not feel surprise that this social problem is at a rise. The adolescents too are lacking of virtue and respects towards the elder. However, this phenomenon does not only happen in Japan only but also in Malaysia. I still remember my Japanese teacher said that Malaysians are courteous people back on 1995 but the quality is degrading.

So far, these are all the things that I know about Japan. I still admire their endless spirit in getting the best in everything they do and their persistence in preserving their culture and customs as much as I respect my own culture. I am enjoying learning their language at the same time learning about the country itself.

Fist draft: Japan

SORRY FOR THE LATE POST!!

Japan is mostly well-known by its modern technology. Some of the technologies are not even comparable to us. For instance, the most famous telephone brand in Japan, NTT Docomo cannot be used in other country except the country itself due to extensive and advanced features of the mobile phone. Apart from that, this country is also leading in the manufacturing of automobiles especially cars. I have watched one Television Programmed called Muccha Buri where one of the episodes shows the models of cars that are very unique. They are unique that some of them can function not only on land, but also on water. Apart from technologies, Japan gives a great influence to the countries all over the world with manga (comics) and anime. The influence is so great that the terminology “anime” is included in the English dictionary. Common people who do not know much about manga and anime would perceive them as merely forms of entertainment. However, the basis of manga and anime does not based on this purpose only. For Japanese, these two sources serve as mediums to inform the public about stories that are depicted from daily life, history that revolves around the shogunate era and so on. Some of the anime even consist of adult/mature contents that can only be watched by viewers above 18 years old. The elements of virtue, creativity and imagination, and knowledge are wrapped up inside anime where it plays important role in educating the community. The influence on other countries can be seen that there are even cosplays (costume playing) all over the world including our country Malaysia. Some of the fans or so-called die-hard-fans become obsessed with manga and anime that they are given the title otaku. Cartoonists from other countries are also influenced by the strokes and plots that are similar to manga/anime.

I am pretty much attracted to the educational system there. There are some similarities in Japanese school system compared to us. One of them is yochien, (kindergarten or nursery) as the earliest education that each child should receive at the earliest age of 5 years old. The teachers assigned are mostly college graduates. Unlike our country, children are enrolled in shogakko or elementary schools at the age of six which is one year earlier than us. Just like United States School system, there is only one teacher that will teach all subjects. The next level of education is chuugakko or middle school. The students enroll at this school at are mostly of the age of 12 or 13. Just like us, the entrance of the school is determined by examinations. The choosing of schools is important as schools play an important role in determining which Universities that they will attend later on. Up until this level the education is compulsory to them but at the age of 16, they are free to choose whether to end their education or proceed to kotogakko/koko (high schools). At this age too, they are given the permission to work. Again, there is an examination before the students are able to enter their target schools. Compared to our examination system, the students there need to take entrance examination that are set by the schools themselves. During the final year, which is when they are 18 years old, they again need to decide whether to end their studies and work or proceed to University. If they want to enter any Universities, they need to take an examination from respective Universities.

Japanese are the people who go for perfectionism in everything they do. I remember in one line in the Last Samurai movie, “from the moment they wake, they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they do”, I find that this statement is true. In everything that they do in their daily life is done in certain procedures or steps with serious considering. If they do not do so, they might be considered as rude or has broken the balance of their life. Each child is brought up with strict disciplines. It can be seen vividly in their own language system. Just like our language, they have formal and informal language. Their language is much influenced by Chinese language and almost most of them are derived from Chinese characters. Most of the pronunciations are similar to the Chinese language. What surprises me when I first learn Japanese language is their writing system. Unlike Malay language and English language, Japanese language consists of characters just like Chinese language. They even have three different writings which are katakana, hiragana, and kanji. If you learn Japanese language you will know this. Unlike our language, one character in Japanese language does not represent a letter but is made of syllables. For example one character is pronounced as ka (ka:). The combination of characters will form a word. For instane, the character ka if combined with the character mi will form a word kami which means paper or God. I thought that I can just write the character freely on my own. However, when I attended Japanese class I learned that the strokes of each character needs to be written based on the fixed steps and with the correct measurement. Writing in the correct order is very important. Japanese take this matter seriously. I remember when I was scolded by my Japanese lecturer for writing them sloppily.

Apart from their language, the perfectionism can be seen in their own education system. If the examination involves memorization of lines especially in Japanese language subject or literature, the students need to memorize them one by one without leaving one word. Leaving one word of the line is intolerable. With just one mistake can affect their examination marks. Besides their education system, bowing (jigi) and greetings (aisatsu) are very vital in their daily life. If they do not do these in their daily life, they would be considered extremely rude. Saying the phrase itadakimasu before eating and gochisousama after a meal is compulsory as a form to show gratefulness to the person who prepares the food. When eating, they are not allowed to leave any chunks of food left and they do not pour soya sauce on the rice or dishes just like Malay custom. Instead, they will pour it on a plate and dipped the dishes on the food.

However, beyond the perfectionism of this country, there are also climbing rates of social problems. The main social problems in Japan are suicide, hikikomori (pulling away), ijime (bullying), makeinu (literally meaning failure but here it means women who refuse to get married), juvenile crimes, parasites (unemployed adults staying with their parents), furita (unemployed people) and lots more (Taylor, M., 2006). According to WHO, Japan is included as one of the countries who have high rate number of suicides. According to TIMES, June 19, 2008, suicide cases in Japan are escalating. The range of age is between 15 to 34 and mainly because of stress and depression. Well, seeing how high expectations certain parents on their children with tough disciplines and workaholics, I do not feel surprise that this social problem is at a rise. The adolescents too are lacking of virtue and respects towards the elder. However, this phenomenon does not only happen in Japan only but also in Malaysia. I still remember my Japanese teacher said that Malaysians are courteous people back on 1995 but the quality is degrading.

Even with the bad sides of Japanese society, they are still amazing in my eyes. Not because of their technology or achivements but their attitudes in preserving their own culture, their endless spirit to strive for the best, and also high disciplines make me think that this country is such a great country.

Final draft: MY DARK PAST

My childhood was the thing that I did not want to remember the most. It brought more pain than pleasure to me. These deep cuts and bruises, I wondered when they will heal. Unpleasant past memories that inflicted on our family were still haunting us. Poor my sisters, they were the ones who were affected the most.

For 23 years our family had lived with the idea that people with dark complexion were considered ugly and should be avoided. All these years we were suffering, it was all because of our grandparents, especially my grandmother. She was my mother’s maternal mother. She was the queen control, the dictator of the whole family. She decided what would be the best for her children. She even surpassed the limit; she wanted to take control of her grandchildren as well. My grandfather was slightly nicer than her. Still, he had once discriminated us.

How did all the sufferings happen? The vital mistake came when we were born. My father has dark complexion compared to my mother who has fairer skin complexion. As a result some of us were born with dark complexion. All of my brothers are fairer than the girls. It was something that my grandparents did not like because they were expecting their grandchildren to have skin as fair as snow and very cute to their eyes. Being born to this world with such physical condition was a sin to us. I kept on questioning myself, why should my grandparents allow their marriage if they did not like my father right from the beginning? Then, we would have never suffered like this.

As a result of having dark complexion, we were treated differently. The treatment had never and would never change towards us. I still remembered when we returned for Raya we were always asked to put our staff at one corner of the house. At night, we would sleep in the living room. My sister and I used to sleep with our aunts. That was because they were still not married. But later on, when they had married I could feel the gap between us. The obvious discrimination came when our cousins were born. My grandmother would always praise them and gave them all the needs that they needed. On contrary, we were expected to serve them. Compared to our cousins, if we did not help to cook we would be scolded. We were not even allowed to touch expensive things. Our drinks were only cups and plates made of plastic. During Raya morning, our relatives would enjoy the Raya dish first. We would have them later. Some of us even did not eat at all because the food was not enough for us. Adding to the wound in my heart, some of our cousins saw us as sore to their sights. They would say “hitam melegam” (as dark as charcoal) to me as I have the darkest skin complexion compared to my other sisters.

The most unforgettable thing was when my mother revealed a very hurtful secret to us. When she was with the second child, which was my sister, my grandparents had scolded my mother for being pregnant again. She was showered with insulting words and threats. Each day of her life was filled with unshed tears and terrible fear. They despised having family members who had dark complexion. One afternoon, thinking that my father had slept my great grandmother said to her quietly with thick Kedah slang, “Jangan dok beranak banyak-banyak dah. Nanti dapat anak semua hitam macam pungkuq belanga, ”(don’t give birth anymore or they will all end up having skin as dark as the back of the pan). My father overheard that. Those venomous words were like arrows that struck his heart. Until now he still remembered that. Afraid of getting insults and warnings from my grandparents, she would hide her pregnancy from them. She would try to make her appearance look as normal as usual. There was even one time my grandmother said that my younger sister was annoyance to her when she wanted to make calls. My mother’s heart shattered into pieces. Until now she always brings up the point why should she be treated meanly when she was pregnant whereas her sisters were treated nicely when they gave birth to many children.

Having the idea that fair complexion people were beautiful but dark people were ugly made us think that we were the ugliest human being on earth. It had been a burden that we had carried till we grew older. With this idea, my mind could only see our existence was not less than a slave for other people. We deserved to be bullied and to be insulted. This thought had wiped off our belief to stand taller, to have the belief that we were like other people too, deserve to have dreams and special in different aspects. In my secondary school time, I dared not be-friend with fair complexion people except the ones that I trusted and comfortable with. I dared not speak to guys as I always thought that they would be disgusted by the gloominess of my skin colour. I learned to judge people nothing but their appearance. Getting married seemed ridiculous and unfulfilled dreams to me and I even had fantasized to become beautiful as the white people. I despised taking pictures with my friends as I would appear to be ‘a piece of shit’ among the pretty flowers.
The society around us had never been helpful to us. As ex-neighbours, they were just like my grandparents; judging people based on physical appearance. Although they never mentioned that they looked down on us, but I could see that from their look. They had the eyes that sparked sense of discrimination and domination. They always praised their daughters as they were much beautiful than us. Each mistake that we did was vital that they will scold us continuously when we were child.

Luckily I have Islam as my faith. I always stick to Rasulullah’s sayings, “be obedient to your leader, even though he is a Bedouin.” As my knowledge has deepened, I learned that Rasulullah had many friends who had dark skin complexion like Bilal bin Rabah. He was even darker than me and yet he had one of the highest positions in Islam. Islam teaches us that we are not judged based on our physical appearance but the purity of our heart, akhlak, and our good deeds. The chance of furthering my study in this teacher training college was the most blissful gift to my entire life. I learned that I was special and had my own strengths. As I have mentioned before, my sisters were the one to be affected. My elder sister was beauty conscious. She would always buy whitening products and beauty products as she wanted to look best in other people’s eyes. If my face became tanner (darker of course) she would always ask me to immediately wear whitening products. Until now, my younger sister would never have confidence in herself. She would always see herself ugly the way I had seen myself before. Right now I am helping her to gain more confidence and hopefully she would be able to do so.

All these years I tried to find reasons why would my grandmother and the people I have mentioned discriminated us. Why discriminate when Islam teaches us to be equal to each other and consider piousness as the main criterion that every Muslim should have? I tried searching from the Internet, I had read books but most of them were not much related to the situation that I was facing. The only thing that could be the possible reason for these people to discriminate was because of the feeling of ethnocentrism. Ethnocentrism means being too obsessed of one’s own culture and race. One only thinks that one’s own race is the best compared to other races. It was still such an unbelievable thing that this situation did not only occur between different races but also within the Malay community itself. In relating to my grandmother’s situation, I thought that her mind was set like that; she was trained by my great grandmother to discriminate. It was a belief that was passed down from generation. Therefore, when I found about it I did not blame really blame her for what she had done to us. She did that unconsciously and luckily my mother did not follow her steps.

Today, my grandmother has treated us better than in the past. Maybe it is because the society is changing and also she realizes that she is getting older as she has no other people that she could rely on except us as her closest relative. She still discriminates us but I do not mind about that. This invisible wound would still remain in my heart, it will never cure but I am still overcoming it with positive thinking. Thanks to God, my parents and friends who are always there for me.

2nd Draft: MY DARK PAST

My dark past

My childhood was the thing that I did not want to remember the most. It brought more pain than pleasure to me. These deep cuts and bruises, I wondered when they will heal. Unpleasant past memories that inflicted on our family were still haunting us. Poor my sisters, they were the ones who were affected the most.

For 23 years our family had lived with the idea that people with dark complexion were considered ugly and should be avoided. All these years we were suffering, it was all because of our grandparents, especially my grandmother. She was my mother’s maternal mother. She was the queen control, the dictator of the whole family. She decided what would be the best for her children. She even surpassed the limit; she wanted to take control of her grandchildren as well. My grand father was slightly nicer than her. Still, he had once discriminated us.

How did all the sufferings happen? The vital mistake came when we were born. My father has dark complexion compared to my mother who has fairer skin complexion. As a result some of us were born with dark complexion. My brothers all have fair skin complexion compared to the girls who have dark skin complexion. It was something that my grandparents did not like because they were expecting their grandchildren to have skin as fair as snow and very cute to their eyes. Being born to this world with such physical condition was a sin to us. I kept on questioning myself, why should my grandparents allow their marriage if they did not like my father right from the beginning? Then, we would have never suffered like this.

As a result of having dark complexion, we were treated differently. The treatment had never and would never change towards us. I still remembered when we returned for Raya we were always asked to put our staff at one corner of the house. At night, we would sleep in the living room. My sister and I used to sleep with our aunts. That was because they were still not married. But later on, when they had married I could feel the gap between us. The obvious discrimination came when our cousins were born. My grandmother would always praise them and gave them all the needs that they needed. On contrary, we were expected to serve them. Compared to our cousins, if we did not help to cook we would be scolded. We were not even allowed to touch expensive things. Our drinks were only cups and plates made of plastic. During Raya morning, our relatives would enjoy the Raya dish first. We would have them later. Some of us even did not eat at all because the food was not enough for us. Adding to the wound in my heart, some of our cousins saw us as sore to their sights. They would say “hitam melegam” (as dark as charcoal) to me as I had the darkest skin complexion compared to my other sisters.

The most unforgettable thing was when my mother revealed a very hurtful secret to us. When she was with the second child, which was my sister, my grandparents had scolded my mother for being pregnant again. She was showered with insulting words and threats. Not every second of the day she did not cry. They despised having family members who had dark complexion. One afternoon, thinking that my father had slept my great grandmother said to her quietly, “Jangan dok beranak banyak-banyak dah. Nanti dapat anak semua hitam macam pungkuq belanga, ”(don’t give birth anymore or they will all ended up having skin as dark as the back of the pan). My father overheard that. Those venomous words were like arrows that struck his heart. Until now he still remembered that. Afraid of getting insults and warnings from my grandparents, she would hide her pregnancy from them. She would try to make her appearance look as normal as usual. There was even one time my grandmother said that my younger sister was annoyance to her when she wanted to make calls. My mother’s heart shattered into pieces. Until now she always brings up the point why should she be treated meanly when she was pregnant whereas her sisters were treated nicely when they gave birth to many children.

Having the idea that fair complexion people were beautiful but dark people were ugly made us think that we were the ugliest human being on earth. It had been a burden that we had carried till we grew older. With this idea, my mind could only see our existence was not less than a slave for other people. We deserved to be bullied and to be insulted. This thought had wiped off our belief to stand taller, to have the belief that we were like other people too, deserve to have dreams and special in different aspects. In my secondary school time, I dared not be-friend with fair complexion people except the ones that I trusted and comfortable with. I dared not speak to guys as I always thought that they would be disgusted by the gloominess of my skin colour. I learned to judge people nothing but their appearance. Getting married seemed ridiculous and unfulfilled dreams to me and I even had fantasized to become beautiful as the white people. I despised taking pictures with my friends as I would appear to be ‘a piece of shit’ among the pretty flowers.

The society around us had never been helpful to us. As ex-neighbours, they were just like my grandparents; judging people based on physical appearance. Although they never mentioned that they looked down on us, but I could see that from their look. They had the eyes that sparked sense of discrimination and domination. They always praised their daughters as they were much beautiful than us. Each mistake that we did was vital that they will scold us continuously when we were child.

Luckily I have Islam as my faith. I always stick to Rasulullah’s sayings, “be obedient to your leader, even though he is a Bedouin.” As my knowledge has deepened, I learned that Rasulullah had many friends who had dark skin complexion like Bilal bin Rabah. He was even darker than me and yet he had one of the highest positions in Islam. Islam teaches us that we are not judged based on our physical appearance but the purity of our heart, akhlak, and our good deeds. The chance of furthering my study in this teacher training college was the most blissful gift to my entire life. I learned that I was special and had my own strengths. As I have mentioned before, my sisters were the one to be affected. My elder sister was beauty conscious. She would always buy whitening products and beauty products as she wanted to look best in other people’s eyes. If my face became tanner (darker of course) she would always ask me to immediately wear whitening products. Until now, my younger sister would never have confidence in herself. She would always see herself ugly the way I had seen myself before. Right now I am helping her to gain more confidence and hopefully he would be able to do so.

Today, my grandmother has treated us better than in the past. Still she discriminated us but I did not mind about that. This invisible pain would still remain in my heart, it will never cure but I am still overcoming it with positive thinking. Thanks to God, my parents and friends who are always there for me.

1st draft: My dark past

My childhood time was the thing that I cannot erase from my box of mind. The dark memories that hold me until now have given me such deep impacts not only to me but to my family. They even change the way my siblings and I perceive on things. The most affected one of course would be my sister. How did it start? To start, it is all because of skin colour issue that makes us feel like we were alien among our other relatives. For many years each of us, especially I would think that dark-complexion people are ugly compared to the fair-complexion people. My father has dark complexion and my mother is on the contrary. Their marriage was done in a rush I would say. This is because they just got married before they even had the time to get to know each other. Our siblings have different skin complexion. Even my younger brothers do not resemble me at all. All my brothers have fairer skin complexion compared to the sisters including me. At that time we were told that girls were supposed to have fair skin and guys are not related with it. Who imposed such idea? It was my grandmother (my mother’s mother) who discriminated us all the time. At first I did not notice that she had treated us differently but as I grew up older I realize the obvious discrimination that my grandparents have imposed on us.

I remembered back then when I was still a kid I would always be scolded if I touched expensive things. Even my cousins would look disgusted at us when we played with them. When we went back for Raya time, we will not be given a special room to stay. We just put our bags and clothes at one corner of the house. At night, we would sleep at the living room. All the comforts were given the priority to our other relatives. Until now we experience the same thing over and over again. Back then all my aunts and uncles were not married yet so we had strong bond with them. However when I grew up older I realized the different gap that have been created especially when they have married and have their own children. I realized the treatment that my cousins received were totally different compared to the treatment she gave to us when we were still kids. She treated them nicely and would always praised them compared us who always got lots of scolding.

The idea that people with darker complexion are ugly people and fair –complexion people are the most beautiful had made our esteem low. I started to experience this when I was in secondary school. I dared not mixed around with people who have fair complexion except a few whom I considered friendly and can be trusted. I never talked to guys as I felt that I was the most hideous person on earth. Even when I returned for Raya, my little cousins would say that “hitam melegam” (very dark skin complexion like charcoal) to us especially I because I have the darkest skin complexion among all my other siblings. Another impact that it gave to me was I never believed in my own abilities and talent. I never believed that any guy would want to marry me because I was very ugly.

This thing did not only happen to me but to my father as well. My mother revealed to us surprising secret that we have never known until we have grown older. She said that when she was pregnant with the second child which was my sister, she was not only got scolded but also being insulted rapidly from my grandparents and our great grandparents. They did not want any more children as they thought that their grandchildren will turn out to have dark-complexion just like the father. As a result, my mother would keep a secret when she was pregnant. My father was the toughest person of all despite of his skin complexion. Once, when he was lying on the mat, my great grandparent said something hurtful and totally heart-breaking to my mother. Thinking that he was sleeping, she said to my mother with thick Kedah slang, “jangan beranak banyak-banyak. Nanti semua dapat anak hitam macam pungkuq belanga.” (don’t give birth to many children or else they will turn out to have charcoal-colour skin complexion.” He was hurtful at that time and still could not forget what she had said to him. My father was the most hurtful person at that moment. Yet, he was the one who my grandparents relied the most when they had difficult times. Not only that, my mother also told me that our grandmother told us that we were annoying when we cried when we were babies. When we knew about this thing, I have a disrespectful thought of my grandmother. I felt so as when my aunts gave birth to new children, my grandmother will praise them a lot and gave them toys and food compared to us who received nothing only scolding.

Our grandparents were not the only one who has this skin colour issues idea. Our ex-neighbours as well thought the same way. They would be proud of their daughters’ fair skin complexion and will always say that we have dark skin complexion. My mother was really stressful not by only my grandparents but also by them. For these past few years we were haunted by this thought which never dies in our minds. Luckily I registered for this TEYL course, I learned people are different and special. I learned to develop more self-esteem. My sister until now is beauty conscious. She would buy lots of skin whitening product so that she can have fairer skin complexion. She would scold me for not trying to use this product so that I can look fairer. However I just ignored what she said as I have learned that physical appearance is not the most important thing that people should look at but the attitude and personality is the most important thing that should be counted. My sister is still facing the same thing that I have experienced back then when I was in secondary school. I am still helping her to diminish this idea so that she would build her self esteem little by little. As for my grandmother, I could do nothing for her as her mind set has been set up that way right from the start. What ever treatment she gave, I will never be affected again.